


Distractions

by InfiniteInMystery



Series: Gintoki's Angsty Mental Moments [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Drabble, Family Feels, Intrusive Thoughts, Maybe hopeful?, Positive End, Scars, Suicidal Thoughts, This Is Depressing Idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 12:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20115430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteInMystery/pseuds/InfiniteInMystery
Summary: Sometimes, when Gintoki's sitting on his couch and minding his own business, his thoughts wander into the darker corners of his heart. Little daydreams he can't help, the thoughts he tries to keep under lock and key.





	Distractions

Sometimes, when Gintoki's sitting on his couch and minding his own business, his thoughts wander into the darker corners of his heart. Little daydreams he can't help, the thoughts he tries to keep under lock and key.

The TV was on, another late-night soap rerun that Kagura had wanted to watch, but the show was only background noise to the buzzing in his head. He used the term 'buzz' as a descriptor rather than a metaphor for activity. There wasn't much going on, weren't many focused thoughts, just impulses and observations. Kagura was leaning over the armrest of the couch, watching intently. Gintoki was at the other end, no longer paying attention. The TV was blinding in the dark <strike>_(make sure you watch your shows in a brightly lit room, kids)_</strike> but he couldn't find it in him to turn on a light, for his sake or even Kagura's.

His ears were ringing.

Sometimes, when Gintoki's minding his own business, his eyes stray to his hands. They're pale and scarred, bones and veins prominent on the backs of them from both abuse and his own acts of cruelty. He discreetly rolls his palm over, callouses from a lifetime of wielding a sword, more scars marring the insides of his forearms._ (_<strike>_Are some of those self-inflicted?_</strike>_)_ It's here that he pauses sometimes. His veins pattern in blue, a pulse he can't see but can intimately feel, a heartbeat he perhaps shouldn't have. It's here that he stares at one scar in particular. It's nothing more than a dot, a tiny little line in the middle of his wrist. A tiny little line that could have been a gaping wound, dragging from palm to elbow.

He stares. Wonders. Contemplates. _(_<strike>_Sometimes he thinks he isn't even worthy of seppuku, that he deserves to degrade himself further by going out shamefully._</strike>_)_

External, or internal? It's easier to bleed, but it's cleaner to ingest.

“Gin-chan?”

Gintoki's attention is caught. He glances up, eyes dark and dead like the fish at the market. Everyone teases him for it, but do they really know sometimes he's hiding in plain sight?

Kagura is still laying over her end of the couch, but she's turned to glance at him from over her shoulder. She's smiling, oblivious to the unprovoked turmoil in his head.

“I'm bored. Can we watch the new episodes together? Anego lent me the new DVD's!” Kagura says. She's excited like he's already said yes. “You saw last weeks episode right? If not, we can watch that one first! And I can let you try the new subonku I picked up yesterday from the market with Shinpachi! It's eggplant and cheddar flavor!”

“Sure.” Gintoki says, because he has no reason to decline. _(_<strike>_Sure, he says, because he knows better than to decline._</strike>_)_

“Okay!” Kagura yells, jumping off the couch. It's her tone that warms his heart, the way she grins at him like how Sadaharu looks at her, before bounding off to go and get the DVD's and the subonku. “Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!”

_Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. _When he glances back to his arms, the urge is gone. And when Kagura comes back with hers full, excitedly explaining the episode that comes before the ones they're about to watch, Gintoki finds he can hear again.


End file.
